my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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