If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
