ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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