she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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