There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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