just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
