I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
