If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
