Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
