Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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