I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My balls are so social today.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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