I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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