just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
