So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
