he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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