Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
