Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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