just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
