drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
