Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My ass is underappreciated
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
