I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
