My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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