Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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