He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
