When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
