I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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