he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
