I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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