oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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