I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
