Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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