after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
