Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
