bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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