They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
