I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
