There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
