dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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