My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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