I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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