So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
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