im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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