totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
