the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
