i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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