Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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