You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
