the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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