I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
