how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize