whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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