I just cut my nipple shaving
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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