I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
