so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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