Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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