hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
