I just made out with a guy for $7.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
