She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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