it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
