drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
