just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize