hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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