Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
