i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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