I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
