That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
