i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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