My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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