dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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