i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
