Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
