my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this beer tastes like vomit already
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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