u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
