Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
