By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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