I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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